Mini breakdowns and new perspectives

Last night I had a mini breakdown.

I thought, and verbalized (sort of), while sobbing uncontrollably,  that I don't know why I was allowed to survive DRESS Syndrome, only to be given all of the issues I'm going through now and that I was so tired of dealing with it.

After a few hours of on and off crying.  I went to sleep.

This morning I woke up with a new perspective, perhaps because it's Thanksgiving (well technically tomorrow is, but a lot of people celebrate today).

One thing I've struggled with is adding another year to my program.  I keep telling myself I'm okay with it, I keep telling other people I am okay with it.  But I wasn't.   I think maybe I am now.

I recognize that I could not have completed 6 courses this semester... or maybe I could have, but not with good marks.  I don't have the energy, I have too many doctor's appointments, there's too much that's still wrong.

I also realized that if I HAD gone with the 6 courses, I would not have taken Disability Studies, which I absolutely love, and I think will benefit me both personally, and academically in the future.  It's giving me a lot of new perspectives on a lot of things, especially disabilities.   It's kind of funny (not in a ha-ha way),  I haven't even really thought about the fact I have MS in the past couple of months.  Even when my hands bother me I associate it with neuralgia, not with MS (although it's the MS that causes the neuralgia).

I also get to take other cool courses, there's a Distance Ed course at Laurentian that I want to take, that I can take next semester if I want, and get credit for.   There's the possibility of a Gender & Sexuality course that I really want to take being offered next year.

If I'm going to be here for another year, I want to expand my knowledge and gain more perspective... I want to build the strongest base for going into my Masters possible, but I also want to learn for me... because I don't know what the future holds, so I want to be happy right now.

It's sometimes hard to be happy, especially when it seems like everything is out to make your life difficult, when there's rocky roads all over the place... It is reinforcing the fact that I actively do things in life that make me happy.  I need to not do things in life that stress me out.

I'm thankful for the mini-breakdown.  I'm thankful that it didn't overwhelm me or break me completely, and I'm thankful that I've gained a new perspective, and reinforced some previous thoughts.