You don't realize the strength you have, until you have to have it.

I can't do this.

I can't even count how many times in the past 2 months I've said or thought that.

2 months.  It has been 2 months since I was admitted into the hospital...  It's been over 2 months since I got sick.

How did that happen?  When did that happen?
If you had told me 2 months ago, that in 2 months, I would still not be better... I wouldn't have been able to deal with it.

But it's been 2 months... and I'm still not better... but I'm here... and I'm dealing with it.

Logically, thinking I guess I am kind of better.  I probably don't have DRESS Syndrome anymore.  My liver enzymes have been steadily coming down the past few weeks.  I haven't had any reflare ups.  So really I'm probably mostly just dealing with all the prednisone crap.

So while I might not FEEL better, there are things that are getting better in my body.

I did not feel strong the past 2 months... I still don't feel strong.   I feel weak, and vulnerable... I've been obsessively listening to the song Because of The Shame by Against Me! (I love the acoustic and the original).  The lyrics "Because of the shame I associate with vulnerability I am numbing myself completely" speaks to me.  The song isn't at all about what I'm dealing with... but it hits me in the heart and soul.  It also highlights the hypocrite I am.  I don't think being vulnerable is shameful at all... for other people.  For me it is.  Double standards.  

I think part of me is really lucky that I'm absolutely terrified of recreational drugs.  Marijuana and I are NOT friends.  It has landed me in the hospital before.  I think the past 2 months, if I didn't have the fear of recreational drugs, I would have turned to them... to something.  

Instead of numbing myself, I was an emotional rollercoaster (I still am a bit... I feel more... sane though).

I think I may have a somewhat unhealthy reliance on hydroxyzine, which I prescribed to help me sleep.  At first it was useful, I would have a heck of a time sleeping when I was on really high doses of steroids, which wasn't healthy (I went three days without sleep), I don't think I necessarily *need* it to sleep anymore, because of the lower dose of steroids I'm on now... but I like how quickly it makes me fall asleep, and if I wake up on it, how quickly it knocks me back out.  I *should* be getting back into the hang of sleeping on my own if I can... it's so much easier this way though, and I don't have the energy yet to try to stop taking it.  Soon hopefully... maybe. 


The Internal Medicine doctor said something about me being lucky that I managed to be on such high doses for so long without going into psychosis... There were times I think I was definitely on the verge.  I was not me.  My thoughts were not mine. My voice was not mine. My body was not mine.  I didn't know who I was... I'm starting to get me back now and it feels great... but I also have the "Why the fuck did I do that/act like that/say that"? reflections.

There's this underlying fear that it's all going to go down the drain again... but I have to keep remembering that I am immensely better than I was 2 months ago.  That I got this far.  It took longer than I wanted/hoped, but I made it through.

Michael J. Fox has a quote that I always loved, it's "Acceptance doesn't mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there's got to be a way through it." I'm going to tie that in with a Florence and the Machines lyric quote "I'm not giving up, I'm just giving in". 

I'm all about the quotes today! I've accepted that this is the way that I am, that this is a progression, that things will get better, are getting better, but are not better. I'm not giving up, but I'm giving into that fact. I think that's an important distinction because there were a lot of times I was ready to give up. I think in acceptance, I'm figuring out that there's a way through it. 


I didn't realize the strength I had, until I looked back and realized how far I've come.