Your body is in shock

I refuse to acknowledge a "re-flare up" as a set back.

I was told it was likely every time I weaned that my body would get angry.

Saturday I did my last dose of IV steroids and went to 120mg/day of prednisone starting Sunday.

Sunday night I got a bit of a rash on my face

Monday my face got very bumpy

Today it was bumpy and itchy.

At least they aren't pustules.

I saw the dermatologist today and she said it was a re-flare because of the weaning and that it was likely to happen every time I wean, and that I would need to be on steroids for several months for the weaning process.

Several.  It went from "a couple" (two) to several... which means... three? Pretty much my entire first semester of school.

I had relegated myself to only working (15hrs/week) and going to school next year.   6 classes first semester, 4 second.  Including my Honours.   I would also need to write my GRE and do Grad school applications first semester.  No extracurricular activities.

After talking to the doctors yesterday and today... that may be too much.

My Honours supervisor suggested I take 2 years to finish school instead of 1.  Mostly for my health... I can see the benefits for my Honours as well.

Then the doctor said something that kind of scared me (she's pretty good at that).

"Your body is in a state of shock" as long as I'm on these steroids.

I was feeling all bad for my liver and my pancreas... but essentially it's my entire body.
Had I actually thought about it, it would make sense.  Even just looking at my symptoms-  my body is dealing with a full body rash, a hugely suppressed immune system, high liver enzymes, blood sugar issues (and while my pancreas is fine, going from 5mmol in the morning up to 14, 18 in the evening when the steroids are full swing, and then back to 5/6 the next morning is a pretty wild rollercoaster ride of glucose).   The sugar issue is starting to get better (thanks NPH).  I'm topping out around 16 instead of 23 now.

I am really good at stressing myself out... taking on too much, wanting to do too much.  I understand from a psychological perspective that part of it is because I feel since I have MS, I should do everything I can while I can because one day I may not be able to... but am I doing it at an expense to my body?  My health?

That realization came when I acknowledged that I went almost 5 years without a relapse... but have had 3 in the past 2 years.  What was I doing those 5 years?  Some college, working, enjoying life, taking vacations to Cuba for 2 weeks a year, taking care of myself... Not stressing.  I didn't have financial stress... I only had a bit of work stress.  No school stress.

Now I have financial stress, school stress, sometimes work stress, feeling overwhelmed stress...

Stress isn't good for MS... it's definitely not good for a body that is in a constant state of shock I'm sure. :(

The idea of taking 2 years to finish is difficult for me to wrap my head around, which is funny because up until earlier this year I had PLANNED on it taking 5 years for me to complete my degree... until I realized I could do it in 4.  If I can do it in 4, why take 5?

Except that the idea that I could end up back in the hospital at any point during the next few months, makes the idea of taking on 6 courses a bit terrifying (They don't have wifi in the hospital, how would I do homework?).


I'm also a mature student... and I'm already going to be 35 when I'm done my PhD (if I get into grad school right away).  I try to tell myself 36 isn't much different than 35... but it's a whole extra year.  An extra year in my undergrad.  I just want to do research.  Also it's another year of student debt.

However, in my final year I would only need to take 2 courses each semester, would be considered full time (yay health insurance) but could also work closer to full time hours, which means saving up for the move to grad school.

My partner told me to make a pro-con list.   I hate that the only things on my con list are "A whole extra year" and "I'm getting older".    There are a lot of pros.

I have a really hard time putting my health first.  I don't know why.  It's a constant issue for me.  I want to be "normal".  I acknowledge my normal is not the same normal as other people... but even now... I just want my normal.

4 courses first semester (2 would be my Honours), 4 courses second semester (2 would be my Honours), and then 2 and 2 the following year.

There is a small part of me that is also not really ready to leave my friends.  Which is a bit dumb.  Education/career/livelihood should come first, but I value the relationships I have here.  They aren't superficial, they are meaningful and I'm a better person for knowing the people that I do, and for having a relationship with them.

If I prioritize my health... I think that means I'm looking at 2 years.   Convincing myself that's what I need to do is something else though.  I'm meeting with my academic advisor and I sent an e-mail to my neurologist.   I will see what they say.  I want as much input as possible before I make a decision.

I have to get bloodwork done twice a week, I thought it would only be once a week. No such luck.  I'm running out of unbruised veins :S  I continue to see the dermatologist once week.  She is really lovely.   The Internal Medicine doctor is really awesome too.  I am glad that I have really great doctors looking after me... and the awesome nurses at the diabetes clinic.

Stay Healthy...