What do you do for you?

What do you do for you?

I was asked this question by a nurse... and it stumped me.

All of the things that I listed in my head... were not what she was asking.

What do I do for me?

Oh well, I'm the Accessibility Rep for the Student Union... I really enjoy it because I get to help other students...

I'm a Campus Life Advisor... I really enjoy it because I get to help other students...

I study Social Psychology, I really enjoy it because I get to learn about how peoples thoughts, opinions and actions impact society.

I volunteer at, with... so many things.

Enjoying something, and doing something for yourself are not the same things.

I know she wanted me to say things like "Oh I enjoy reading..." (Which I do... but I never seem to be able to have the time).

I had this epiphany that I really need to start doing things for me.  I need to devote time to myself, to getting better, to healing, to not being stressed.

The most important thing I have in life, is my life... and I need to stop putting my health on the back burner.  I need to stop pretending that I'm okay, and that everything is just going to be okay on its own.  It's not.   I can't be on high doses of steroids, battling a syndrome that has a 20% mortality rate, dealing with all the side effects... and just pretend like I can go on living life the way I was before.   That's not my life anymore, at least not for now.

There is a selfish aspect to what I do... I enjoy helping people, it makes me feel happy, and useful... but it also sometimes makes me feel stressed because people rely on me and it makes it hard to say no, or  "I can't".     People take for granted I always say yes, and as I've started to say no to things, I've noticed the disappointment, and I feel guilty.

The next few months are terrifying, and I need to start being selfish. I need to reduce my stress and focus on my health.... I need to have periods of my day where I do nothing... I can use those times when I need naps after not sleeping for days, or you know... homework.

What do I do for me?  Not a heck of a lot... but I'm going to start.