I feel like I'm on the verge of breaking. All the "you are strong, you can do this" doesn't get rid of the fear and uncertainty. It doesn't mean much when you don't know if you believe it.
I recognize that being on high doses of steroids for a month is playing a wicked game with my emotions. I recognize when I go through periods where I can't sleep, that the exhaustion that overtakes my body, affects my emotional stability.
I know, logically, that the thoughts that pop into my head, that scare me, are not my normal thoughts. I've been able to cast them aside, but I worry one day I won't. I can't trust my emotions and that scares me.
I hate the person that I have become. I hate the anger, and the fear that seems to control my life now. I hate that the littlest things make me so mad, and I know that it doesn't make sense, but I can't stop it. I hate how I treat people, I hate how uncertain I am about life and the future. I hate that I can't do everything I did before, and I hate that I feel like I'm letting people down.
I keep telling myself I just need to take it one day at a time, in three months it will all be over... except I don't even know if that's true, and I don't know what the next three months hold. There is no "getting better" each day. It's a maze of navigation that I have no control over, I move forward, move backwards... tossed around.
I looked at my schedule for the next semester, it is greatly reduced from everything I normally do... and I still had a moment of panic.
I can't drop everything though. I need some sense of normalcy to keep me sane. I just need to figure out the new balance for that.
I hate that I feel selfish, that I'm racked with guilt, for saying no to things, for trying to take care of myself. I am not good at prioritizing myself.
It took me a long time to learn to love myself... and I hate that I currently hate myself.
I hate all the hate I feel. I am not normally a hateful person.
No comments:
Post a Comment