The end is near...

Peaks and valleys of health... of emotions... the end seems almost in sight, but I'm too scared to be hopeful.

I'm trying to make plans.  Plans for Christmas, plans for next summer.  I found out about the GESIS Summer School in Survey Methodology in Cologne, Germany.  They have some amazing courses.  They're geared towards Masters and PhD students, and researchers,  but there are some courses that I can take... that I want to take (if next year is similar to this past year).  The fees are decently reasonable ($100-$250 euros per course), it's the getting there and staying there that is going to be costly.  I'm going to apply to every bursary I can find next semester, and save up as much as I can in the summer.  I think the knowledge will help me out a lot in my future career, and projects in Grad school, and it would be an amazing experience.

I still have this fear that it's all going to go to hell.  The past few months have taught me to be afraid.  I don't like it.  When I was diagnosed with MS in 2006 I gained a sense of freedom... which may sound silly, but I had spent several years prior being afraid of what was wrong with me, the knowledge of finding out what was wrong granted me a sense of freedom and relief. I realized that I needed to do things, to not let the world hold me back.  To not be afraid.  I've done things that I wanted to do, that scared me, over the years... with some restrictions... there is no jumping off bridges or out of planes, that's a fear that has no rewards for me.  I travelled by myself on several occasions, went to university, moved halfway across the country, to place where I didn't know anyone... these all came with great rewards.

These past few months though... there's so much fear.  Fear of being sick, fear of being hurt, fear of everything.  Even mundane things... it's like I'm on autopilot of letting things control and restrict me.   I'm hoping it's a side effect of the prednisone, and once I'm finally off it, that I might be okay again.  I need to be okay again.  I know I'll never be the same... but I need to be okay.

Writing is helping.  This blog.  I've also done 2 guest blog posts where I review teas for a local tea company:

http://www.ladybakersteatrolley.com/fallisintheair/

http://www.ladybakersteatrolley.com/holiday-season-is-here/

Their teas are friggen fantastic.

15mg... I'm on 15mg of prednisone for 2 weeks, then 10mg for 2 weeks... then hopefully tapered off completely shortly after that.  The end is in sight... I want my body back.  I want my body to have a break from being pumped full of all these medications.